pregnancy after loss
Pregnancy after loss is one of the most challenging experiences on this earth and Brene Brown sums it up perfectly in her book Dare to Lead:
“When we feel joy, it is a place of incredible vulnerability--It’s beauty and fragility and deep gratitude and impermanence all wrapped up in one experience. When we can’t tolerate that level of vulnerability, joy actually becomes foreboding, and we immediately move to self-protection. It’s as if we grab vulnerability by the shoulders and say, ‘You will not catch me off guard. You will not sucker-punch me with pain. I will be prepared and ready for you.’ So when something joyful happens, we start planning on being hurt.”
I discovered these words shortly after my 4th loss and gosh did they hit deep. And just in case you don’t know what foreboding means (I had to look it up myself) it’s a fearful apprehension. Joy becomes a fearful apprehension. How terrible is that? But that is the sad reality of pregnancy after loss. Your hopes and dreams of ever having a blissful and happy pregnancy are gone. It’s never leaving the house without pads or liners just in case you start bleeding. It’s rejecting your joyful thoughts so you “don’t get in too deep.” It’s having to remind yourself that you're actually pregnant because you’ve gotten used to the reality that you’re not. It’s holding your breath every single day until you make it to the next milestone...5 weeks...8 weeks....10 weeks....It’s going into your ultrasound expecting bad news. It’s feeling guilty for not really wanting to talk about it with friends “just in case.” It's over analyzing every pain, twinge and uncomfortable feeling. It’s believing every nightmare you have is some sort of sick omen. It’s the torture chamber of fear. You won't just wake up one day and have it all be gone. We tell ourselves at the second trimester I’ll feel better, well actually at 20 weeks...okay actually never. But even in all of this fear, there is hope. It’s more work for us, but it’s possible and I promise you it’s worth it.
When I found out we were pregnant with twins, I let out the most joyous sob you can imagine. As the shock started to fade, the fear was right there waiting for me. “Wow if I lose this pregnancy that's two babies I’m losing. I’d have 6 heavenly babies.” The stakes felt higher. I felt like I had more to lose. But here is the truth in another great quote from Brené Brown, “We cannot plan for painful moments--we know this for a fact, because people who have been forced to live through those moments tell us that there is no amount of catastrophizing or planning for disaster that prepares you for them.” I finally began to understand this during my pregnancy with the twins. There is nothing you can do to change the outcome of your pregnancy. Their lives are not guaranteed at any point. My life is not guaranteed at any point. Life is not a guarantee and I needed to shift my focus away from fear and towards the truth. I am not entitled to these babies and it’s easy to forget that. All life is made for God’s kingdom whether that person makes it to this earth or not. God creates life for His purpose, not ours.
During and throughout my losses I read a lot of books, blogs and listened to podcasts and one prayer from Mother Angelica gave me the most comfort I could have ever asked for and still does:
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
~ Mother M. Angelica
Did the fear just go away for me? No the fear hasn’t just gone away, I have to make time DAILY for affirmations and prayer. I can tell when I haven’t been diligent in my prayer life or gratitude practice because the fear takes over and causes great anxiety. But I don’t think it was a coincidence that I experienced a loss during Advent of 2019 and began my journey with the twins during Advent 2020. Miscarriage is incredibly lonely and so is pregnancy after loss, most people seem to think the grief is over now that you have a healthy pregnancy, but now you know that’s far from the truth. I had the opportunity to reflect on how Mary felt during her pregnancy with the baby Jesus AND her pain and surrender during his death over Easter. This topic probably warrants a separate post, but the point is that I want to encourage you to find your practice that grounds you in the truth. Find a daily meditation or devotional that helps you face your fear head on and practice living in the joy and hope for/of your pregnancy. If you are still waiting for your rainbow baby, just remember that there is purpose for your life right now as you wait in anticipation for your sweet baby and it takes equal effort to live in the joy and hope of your life.
